sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize