i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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