EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
