i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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