Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
