she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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