If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
