The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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