I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
