i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
