Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
