apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
