i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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