i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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