i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
