some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
