i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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