I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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