because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize