I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
