I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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