Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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