I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize