she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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