Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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