Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
