shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
