Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize