im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The air was thick with penises
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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