I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
