God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
