windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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