im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize