is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Green mimosas i think yes
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
