Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm too high and old for this...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
