My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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