Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He? As in you personified your dick?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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