peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize