Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
