i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
