it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
