My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize