Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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