i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
