John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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