I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
