You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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