We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
