Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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