also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i think i have herpe
just one?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
