I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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