Yo dont text me then not text me
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
