Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
