i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
