After last night, I could never be a politician.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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