Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
