I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
