dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
