i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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