i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
