I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
