Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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