You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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