I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
